Squad 11 Survival Guide
by ShySlasher
Summary: I, Yumichika Ayasegawa, will now tell you hwo you can survive our wonderful- if very violent squad. Rated T for the voilence of the 11th squad.


A/n- Okay, here's a quick little one-shot that I've been fumbling around with for a few days and finally decided to post. R&R is appreciated _muchly_. Also I own nothing, so don't sue me!

* * *

A message from fifth seat Yumichika Ayasegawa to all newly recruited squad members-

Welcome to the beautiful 11th squad, if you intend to survive this experience, you need to know about what and what not to do. I highly recommend that you take note of following rules, because we want to clean your ugly, splattered body off the ground just as much as you want to be scraped off a sidewalk somewhere.

I-Captain Kenpachi Zaraki

Captain Zaraki-kun is no doubt the most feared and powerful member of our squad. He is known as such for a good reason, so unless you are a masochist, I wouldn't screw with him.

1- Kenpachi believes that he can strangle people with only using his spiritual pressure. Now this is absurd, but we play along so that he will not kill us with his zanpakuto. If you are ever in the situation where he expects you to die, do just that, make choking and gasping noises and fall to the ground playing dead. While he's enjoying his victory, we will send a relief squad to take you to the infirmary. There we will assign you a disguise such as glasses or a moustache so that he will not recognize you once you return to work. Take for example twentieth seat Bob who has 'died' 37 times. Congratulations Bob.

2- Captain Zaraki is not allowed to watch many films from the human world. In the event that he finds out about our weekly movie night, you are to tell him that we are watching _The Sound of Music _or something like that. Some films that are highly restricted are as follows-

-_300_ -_The Terminato_r –_Rambo_ –_The Godfather_ –_Natural Born Killers_ – _Reservoir Dogs_

-And please, for the love of all that is still holy, don't let him view any of the _Saw_ series.

3- Do not touch the bells in his hair, just don't do it. Also please know that if you are tricked into doing this through hazing technique, we are not responsible for any loss of limbs or life.

4- Do not attempt to mock the Captain by using the blind spot created by his eye patch to hide.

5- Do not present him with a box of Kittens. The reasoning behind this rule is too graphic for me to document in mixed company.

6- And finally, do not let him hear the words 'fight', 'death', 'combat', 'battle', 'fight', or any other similar words. He will get confused, think you are challenging him, and attack.

II-Lieutenant Yachiru Kusajishi

Lieutenant Kusajishi may, to some people, be even more frightening than out Captain. If you don't take the proper precautions around her you may be visiting 4th company for an extended amount of time, or far worse, be plagued by a little pink haired demon.

1- Get to know this simple equation: Yachiru + sugar = hell. Once you know this, you know the basis of what almost all squad functions are based on.

2- Avoid 'Nurse Duty' at all costs. The term 'Nurse Duty' put simply is babysitting the Assistant Captain. While this might seem like a harmless and easy job, do not be mistaken. More casualties have been caused by this than any other occupation in the Seireitei.

3- If by some chance Yachiru obtains a large amount of sugar in any form, drop what you are doing and immediately summon the Kido Corps. From there they will take over and seal her off using Hado number 99 until she regains composure.

4- Always remember that although she looks like an innocent child, she is far from it. Don't let her charm manipulate you.

5- Just ignore the nicknames she gives you. Trust me, no matter how embarrassing they may be, she will forget them in a matter of hours.

III Ikkaku Madarame

Our hair deficient 3rd seat officer isn't usually as problematic as his two superiors; however, he can be a bit touchy about certain subjects.

1- Don't mention his painfully obvious lack of hair if you value your life. Do not even go there, I cannot stress this enough.

2- Don't look directly at his head if at all possible. His baldness is the real reason why Ex-Captain Tosen is blind.

VI-Miscellaneous

1- Even though 4th squad members may agitate and irritate you, and rightfully so, please refrain from attacking them as much as possible. Quite honestly, we couldn't care less about their fate, but Captain Unohana, on the other hand, cares quite a bit.

2- Consequently, try to avoid Captain Unohana. In general, the 4th and 11th squads don't get along well, and our lovely company tends to terrorize and injure the members or our rival division, earning us disdain from their captain. So, it is in the best interest of us all that we don't give Unohana-san even more of a reason to loathe us.

3- The last thing you need to know in order have a swift and (almost) painless rise through the ranks is simple enough. All you need to do is to remember to remind me, 5th seat Yumichika Ayasegawa, how utterly gorgeous and breath taking I am as often as you can.

* * *

Omake Theater-

Ikkaku- Yumichika, what exactly is this?

Yumichika- You told me to help out the new recruits, and this is how I decided to do it.

Ikkaku- Why the hell do the only rules about me have to with my hair style!?!

Yumichika- Well-

Yachiru- Why can't I have any candy, Feathers?

Yumichika- Umm…

Kenpachi- And what's this about kittens?

Yumichika- It's too late, it's already published and distributed! _Shunpos away screaming_

Ikkaku- Zaraki-san, what _is _the story about the kittens?


End file.
